Phil wonders how much of this--not the whole thing of what they're doing, but this bit right here--is more for Ossie. At the same time, it is very much for Phil, to admit all of this. None of it is light. Phil saw it himself, those red eyes, the perfect skin, the graceful hands. Remembers the joy that Dimitri got to shed that touch.
He listens. Tries not to misunderstand. He's very still.
"I don't think I'm uniquely bad or that they're uniquely blind. I don't have to be unique to just... be someone with issues sometimes." He wishes people would trust that he's smarter than that. He wasn't unique before. He certainly isn't now.
...
Darcy saw him at his worst. Darcy's tolerance for bad is also much, much deeper than that.
"Darcy's. Not that stupid. But."
But.
"They're so loyal. When they think you're worthy of it, they swear fealty, and then that's it. I..." a hand swipes down his face over an inhale, "they're just... an adult they trusted in their life tried to turn them into just, some, some attack dog. And they trusted him and followed that. And then Skulduggery killed them in his negligence and yeah, Darcy actually got pissed at him for it and Skuls was regretful, and Darcy bullied me in a memory where I was just, the worst, I figured out how to end myself before I figured out how to make a single friend, but I... I know what I did isn't some, some apocalypse on our relationship. But I--"
...
"I don't know that I really figured out what it meant until then. How much they were willing to do for me. How much they were willing to justify. Hurting each other is one thing. Even my wife and I hurt each other. Deeply, sometimes. But I. I wish... I wish I could trust--"
That if I were making them worse, they would leave.
That's not fair to Ossie or Dimitri's decisions though, is it? Even what Ossie described, it's not that. It's not.
no subject
He listens. Tries not to misunderstand. He's very still.
"I don't think I'm uniquely bad or that they're uniquely blind. I don't have to be unique to just... be someone with issues sometimes." He wishes people would trust that he's smarter than that. He wasn't unique before. He certainly isn't now.
...
Darcy saw him at his worst. Darcy's tolerance for bad is also much, much deeper than that.
"Darcy's. Not that stupid. But."
But.
"They're so loyal. When they think you're worthy of it, they swear fealty, and then that's it. I..." a hand swipes down his face over an inhale, "they're just... an adult they trusted in their life tried to turn them into just, some, some attack dog. And they trusted him and followed that. And then Skulduggery killed them in his negligence and yeah, Darcy actually got pissed at him for it and Skuls was regretful, and Darcy bullied me in a memory where I was just, the worst, I figured out how to end myself before I figured out how to make a single friend, but I... I know what I did isn't some, some apocalypse on our relationship. But I--"
...
"I don't know that I really figured out what it meant until then. How much they were willing to do for me. How much they were willing to justify. Hurting each other is one thing. Even my wife and I hurt each other. Deeply, sometimes. But I. I wish... I wish I could trust--"
That if I were making them worse, they would leave.
That's not fair to Ossie or Dimitri's decisions though, is it? Even what Ossie described, it's not that. It's not.
...